I thought the appropriate title for this thought ramble was BURIED TREASURE. Oops, I already have one of that title. This title is just as appropriate. It just dawned on me that the anniversary of the fire is in a week. Both my mother and my brother passed over, I would have also except I guess I needed to stay here for my father.
“My friends in high places” are very good at what they do. A whole day can go by and I don’t become aware of their help. One day this week, I PLANNED to exercise — I changed into exercising clothes and put the dvd on the TV. Robin came downstairs, wanting to go out. I tried to get her up early, so we could go for a walk. She ignored me. I have to admit that she got me up at 5:00 AM, went outside, did her business and returned to the top of the porch. The pond of water on the sidewalk had turned to ICE. At 9:00, the pond of water was covered by snow. The snow seemed to be gritty, I thought if I was careful I could take her for a walk. Exercise plans went on hold. I put on my boots, hoping that their traction would keep me upright. I found a penny on our walk. “In God We Trust” it reminded me.
When we came back, it was too late to do the exercise that I planned. I did a fast Tai Chi and continued with the day. I had planned to make soup. I’ll admit that I didn’t follow the recipe, but the results were delicious. Of course, neither my husband nor my son wanted to try it.
Trying to salvage the day, I examined the contents of the drawer that holds our check books. I had many, many check registers and many, many unused deposit slips. I didn’t want to put the check registers back in the drawer. They moved to the filing cabinet, except there was no room. I had to pull out a handful of assorted paper. Looking at it, I have no idea why it was in the filing cabinet until I came across a couple of gems. I found the notice of a good friend of mine that passed away in 2003 at the age of 97. She is still often in my thoughts. I also found a letter from a friend of mine with a comic strip that gave me a good laugh. The person in the comic strip joined shopping anonymous and when she was tempted to go shopping, she call me and we went out to drink. I have to admit that I phoned my friend and arranged for a shopping trip.
Now I’ll admit that I realized that “helping hands” had influenced the day. I could detail the many things that have occurred this week, but I’ll try to keep this ramble on the short side. I was scammed this morning by a friend on the I-pad — only it wasn’t her. I asked a couple of personal questions that only she would have had the answer too and the person disappeared. I didn’t fall for the promised money. This afternoon, the mail brought prescriptions for my husband that I hadn’t ordered. One he would need in the near future — the rest, I’m puzzled. Knock knock — is anyone home? That is when I realized that an important anniversary is close.
WADING THROUGH THE MUCK
Did you read BROKEN ICE? Did you laugh? It sounded so easy — didn’t it –tell your mind to stop and it would! Your mind would listen to your desire to stop stomping through the muddy places and return to the light. I TRIED, I really did. I refused to dwell on the sad, dark places in my past. It might have worked. If I was at home, in my own space, but sad to say, once again we were out of town.
On the road should have been a distraction — new places, new people, new food. And it would have been, except we were with family. Since we were with family, and they had to work, we didn’t eat out often. I tried to find the light — took their dog for a walk every day, listened for the birds. I actually saw a flock of blue birds. I listened to the crows. I saw a hawk in the tree. I did my tai chi every day and tried to watch my eating habits. I did not have my music; I could not go in the pool, the water was too cool. I left my computer at home, limited myself to the Kindle instead. I learned how to search for stuff on the internet and I discovered a couple of games that were fun. When my granddaughter got a score of over 500 and I barely reached 90 on a word game, I realized my thinking is slowing down.
We went to Florida to meet our new great grand daughter. Both my husband and I enjoyed the new princess in our family. Knowing that they are so far away, and that she would grow up without us didn’t make me smile. I’m reminded that they are on Facebook and Skype is available. Life gets busy but we will try to stay connected.
My daughter suggested I get a children’s book for the baby and read her a story, create memories. I bought a Harry Potter children’s book and read the baby the first story. A good wizard used his magic and a three legged pot for the good of people who came to him for aid. Then the wizard died and left the pot to his son, who did not use the pot’s magic to help people. I read with expression. When the older wizard was helping people, the little one watched me and smiled. When the son was mean and sent the people away, the baby pulled up her bottom lip into a pout and started to cry. We didn’t finish the story, she was too upset. She was only five weeks old. How quickly they are attuned to the tone of voice.
The first full day we spent back at home, the little one rolled over all by herself. Our granddaughter captured it on a video and shared.
The title of this thought ramble is courtesy of my friend Catherine. She often told me — “Life is calm, I’m walking peacefully when all of a sudden, without any warning, I’m on an ice field and I fall through.” That was her way of describing a bout of depression. I remembered the phrase recently when, the ice broke, and I fell through. Its not like I didn’t have any warning that it was coming. After all, it was the Fall of the year, leaves were falling, cooler temperature, gray skies. I was a year older. Various body parts were showing their age — not working as well as they used to. The messages coming through were to focus on the present, the past is gone and the future is still to come. And I ignored the messages. After all, I thought I had dealt with the issues from the past and moved on. WRONG! All of a sudden I was remembering my childhood. Searching for happy memories. Since it wasn’t necessarily a white picket fence, happy family — it isn’t a place I enjoy visiting. My father did the best he could and so, I guess, did I.
I was worried that my father would fall into the past when his memory declined because of Alzheimer’s. I was afraid he would remember the fire and the death of my mother and brother. Thankfully he was protected from those dark times.
Searching for a way back to the surface, back to the light, I hit the stop button in my brain. I turned on music to help distract my thinking. I’ve heard that when you are asleep — lost in a nightmare, you can tell your brain to stop — it is only a dream. I tried the same concept — even though I was awake. I refused to go down the same dark path that I have traveled many times before.
I would love to state that I exercised because I know that works to ease stress. I did Tai Chi but not any strenuous exercise. I felt I had no time, too much to do. And if truth be told, I do. I don’t know if I’m moving in slow motion but everything I try to do seems to take longer. Of course, I’m still trying to do many things at once. Instead of enjoying the quiet while I exercised, I turned on the TV. Yo-Yo Ma was the guest speaker, he has a new CD — Playlist on the Borders. I was reminded of the time, many years ago, when he was a gift to me. I planned to go to the Celtic Fest downtown in the city. It was early afternoon — a line of people by the Chicago Symphony caught my eye. It was a free day and I changed my mind and joined the line. It took a long time to enter. Yo-Yo Ma was the featured artist. He delayed the concert until everyone was seated. I enjoyed myself totally and stayed until 10:00 PM.
I often have “help” from the other side. The key is to recognize it.
I wish I could write that I have lost weight, that I have reached my goal — pipe dreams again. My metabolism is asleep — days, weeks and months of butt down, feet up must have put it in a deep slumber. I would be happy if I lost a couple pounds — I would know that I was heading in the right direction. Road blocks must be up, and so is my weight. Too much sodium always adds a couple of pounds. In a way, its not a bad thing. When we are traveling, I won’t have control over sodium like I do at home. I guess it is best to be prepared, even the food I prepare at home is not as low in sodium as I expect. Sometimes the sodium count is missing or the label has the wrong information. Too much sodium and my feet swell, I just need to be able to walk.
Speaking about walking — I won’t say exactly that my energy has returned but I have been able to walk distances again. Although the inclines at the Botanic Gardens have my thighs talking, I’m not giving up. There are not many hills in our neighborhood and I really don’t like walking on the treadmill. I climb stairs at home but it is not the same.
EXERCISE — I’m listening! Articles have appeared in magazines and the newspaper reminding me of the value of Tai Chi. Years ago I took a class and I still remember part of the routine, adjusted each time I go through it. I put it on the back shelf but I have revived it again. Yoga — another thing that I have been reminded of in many different ways. I even found my copy of the book A MORNING CUP OF YOGA which slipped off its shelf onto the floor, hiding against the wall. The book reminded me of various exercises that my body needs, that I don’t do. Both exercises can easily go with me on my trip. Years ago, I greeted the morning doing Tai Chi on the shores of Kauai.
Just how many purses do I need to take with me? After I bought ANOTHER, lighter purse that wouldn’t clash with my clothes, I was reminded of a bag I bought last fall. It wasn’t where I remembered putting it. Memory — what an interesting concept. After another search, I found it hiding in a bag with many more purses in my closet. At least ONE of those has to come with me. Decisions, decisions!
Packing will be interesting. I have tried on various items of clothing that I thought would make the trip and decided to leave them home. I’m sure I have enough to wear, and if not — there is the International Market where a merchant told me: ” Momma, I’ve got a deal for you!”