It was just a tiny slip at first. A memory that took me back to places I didn’t want to visit anymore. I caught myself quickly, as soon as I realized where I was headed. But that was just the beginning, the prologue or the introduction, as it were. It set the slide in motion. I was brave at first, determined to stay out of the dark places in my mind. It didn’t help. And this time the slide was very slippery, one remembrance quickly moved to another. All of them hurt. Once at the bottom, I couldn’t climb out.
The weather didn’t help either — not as bad as last year but all of a sudden the temperature was minus zero, the wind chill frozen and it stayed there. Warnings of frost bite was on the television. Normally I would go for a walk or go shopping. Anything to distract my mind from the thoughts that were surfacing. When I’m sad, depressed or stressed — I snack, OFTEN. My resolution is to lose weight. Not only was my arm hurting but now my hip and back had joined the game. I hoped losing weight would help — snacking would not help. Should I mention that my weight refused to move down.
Should I mention that the sun also went into hiding — gray skies matched my grey mood. I don’t know how many days were without the light of the sun. My daughter phoned and told me she saw blue skies. I looked outside and saw blue skies too. I took a picture with my camera to remember what it looked like in case it vanished again. A few days later the weather man announced that there was a small envelope in which the sun was shining, clouds covered the rest of the area. We were lucky, we had the sun. I took Robin for a walk. Our neighborhood stayed in the envelope for the rest of the day. When I took Robin for a later walk, we walked in sunshine.
I’ve tried meditating — still getting no where. Learning different techniques for breathing. Count the in breath, count the out breathe. Reverse the counting. Count each inhale and exhale. The one thing positive that this does is distract my mind from its track. With a little bit of help, I can stay positive for an hour or more. It also helps when I’m unable to go to sleep.
I’ve rejoined a calorie tracking program on our computer. Not only does it track the calories of the food I’m eating, but it subtracts the calories of the exercise I’ve done, giving me more calories to eat. Of course, the program is only as good as the information I input, how honest I am. Since it subtracts my exercise it motivates me to exercise. When I first started with some of my tapes, I learned just how quickly my body has lost strength. I will admit my stubbornness is pushing me forward.
Finally the scale is moving downward — just a trifle. Nothing to get excited about, or buy new clothes but enough to make me smile. Enough to make me want to plan my breakfast when we went to Bakers Square. Sadly their computer listing didn’t give the calorie count for their offerings. The program I’m using, I call it Skinny Bitch because I just don’t remember the name. Anyway, I found the calorie counts for many of the breakfast offerings. I switched back and forth many times. I logged in my planned breakfast then decided to change my mind. I didn’t remember the calorie count of the item I wanted to eat instead. That is when I experienced a little bit of “help from my friends.” The computer LOCKED — I was unable to retrieve the original data even though I had seen it before. I made a big decision to stay with the lower calorie menu — telling myself I could have the other when the scale dropped a bit more. I knew that they were still “helping” when at the restaurant I put my hand in the pocket of my jacket and felt something soft. ?????? Pulling the item out I was surprised to see my glass case. ???? How did it get in there — I never put my glass case in my pocket. I had even asked customer service at the grocery store if I had lost it there.